I consider myself to be very, very, very, very open minded eh, welllll except with Tulip cause allyuuh KNOW she blasted annoying and sometimes yuh does just want tuh slap some ah the “sense” outta she. Oh lord sorry ah gone off topic.
Allyuh know I not judgey either, wellllll except about Tulip cause Lord KNOW she need judging. Oh gosh, sorry, ah gone off topic again.

So on with the story…  the other evening I sitting down nice and comfortable. I decide to watch some TV, well who tell me to do dat! Dey start talking about Adventure Playgrounds. Well I say tuh meself, “Self, this will be very interesting, let’s see what nonsense we managed to come up with now!” Cause yuh know if dey have tuh give it ah name like that,  it cyah be good….

Listen, I grow up playing outside eh, I climb trees, skate down a road with the boys and buss up meh toe, went on treks up in the bush, build sheds outta bamboo an ah doh mean dem puny things allyhu have here in North America. Ah mean real bamboo! Gyul we pelt stone on people house and had tuh run from the security guard when he come out with a cutlass.  We run from enough dogs because me and meh friends was thiefing mango from people yard, (What??? De trees and dem big, dey cyah eat all ah dem mangoes, dem people just greedy). We won’t even get intuh de turkeys dat chase us. Hey what can I say, some mangoes was wort de risk.  Ah de good ole days!!!

So yes, I watching dis Adventure playground ting and de first ting dat come tuh mind was “buhwhadeassisdis?” Yeah is one word. Yuh want meh tuh translate it, leh meh know.
Eh listen I doh have no problem with unstructured play. Ah mean de fact that such a description even exhists jus mind blowing tuh me.  I jus thought it was “play” but waht I know. Play supposed tuh be unstructured, not so? But ah see this and ah had a flash back tuh my childhood and I imagined my mother as one of dem parents dey interview.

See dis is free range mammy
Me: Mammy ah going an play over so. it might have rotten wood and some rusty  nails and metal.
Mammy: All right sweetheart, ah do want to stifle yuh intellectual growth eh. You is the next generation of independent and capable risk takers. If yuh step on ah nail ah will put down meh latte an come put plaster on it fuh yuh, so doh worry.  If dat boy dat doh have a clue dat a slege hammer could kill one ah allyuh, accidently mash up yuh foot with it, is aright we go take the extra wood  from over so an make yuh a wooden foot. Have fun baby!

Me: Mammy, I going up de road with the boys and dem we going an skate down the road on a piece a Arborite.

Mammy: Alright have fun. Yuh doh have tuh worry about falling and grating up yuh skin on the asphalt because it will grow back. Even if yuh doh make the curve and yuh end up going off the road ah tree go stop yuh fall. Next time yuh go know how tuh turn better and besides the cars doh come by often.

This is my mammy
This is what actually happen when I go down dat hill on a piece ah aboarite an ah fall off and buss up my toe and scrape up half ah meh body.

I hobble home crying with blood on meh arms, foot and toes. I tell my mother what happen and  my mother watch me and say “how much time I tell yuh doh do that, doh go dey? How much times?” (In all fairness it was a lot eh but still…). Well, who doh hear go feel! How many times? Doh come an show me nothing. Who send yuh? Yuh walk back here right? So yuh good,  an de woman turn an walk off and leave me crying boy! Well yuh know I never do it again eh!
See that was adventure parenting! Parents know full well how chupid  dey children is.  Dey know yuh going tuh do  it even though  dey tell yuh not tuh to? 

They didn’t encourage yuh tuh go and do it. Ah mean one ah dem children step on a nail, a blasted nail!!! and the mother said calmly as she watch she other child play that she knew there was ah possibility of dem getting hurt when she decide to some to this park. Buhwhadeassisdis???? What I hearing??? 
So I want somebody to explain to me why, WHY, WHY, we de ass we need tuh give children sledge hammers to play with. WHY!!!!! It have grown ass people dat yuh do want tub handle dem things. Any ah dem people read Misery by Stephen King? Lord look at wha Annie do tuh Paul… Jus’ Sayin’ We won’t even mention the possibility of another Tulip!
Why, it ok to purposely send you children tuh play in ah area that yuh know dey could step on a damn nail? What dat teaching dem? How tuh sit still fuh ah blasted Tetanus  shot? Wha kinda chuppidness is dis?   

That like a parent rolling a spliff and giving it to dey children because they say is better they know wey dey getting the weed from. How about talking tuh dem and educating dem about the dangers before giving dem permission to do it? I could just image me telling my mother she should do dat. 

Why dey have to cut up wood and set in on fire, what dat teaching dem? Dat wood does burn? Who knew? is not even for blasted sruvival, is just tuh burn wood!!!  Ah guess de only bad ting dat could come outta purposely teaching yuh children tuh play with fire is dat dey go burn dey marshmellows right!!!

Ah see some ah these parks eh dey fine, is just tings strew around (eh Tulip , yuh see ah use the word “Strewn”) and dem children running round like dey supposed tuh but when did it become ok tuh purposely put yuh children in danger while yuh sit on a bench and sip yuh mocha choca half puff swift high cream drink? WHEN???

It seem like we go from helicopter parents to ah doh even know what tuh call this. What happen tuh stayin in the middle?
Allyuh know I tink children is gangstas, so needless tuh say I sure dey going an keep all dem “Adventures” only on the playground. Right!!!
Now if dem same parents live next door tuh somebody with dat in dey back yard, den all hell break loose, den is garbage and ah eyesore! Let one ah de children step on a nail dey and yuh go see what will happen.

Eh listen, children, if yuh leave dem will play with anything anywhere. I spend good money on dis amazing toy fuh meh children eh and dem ingrates reward me by leaving de blasted toy an spending hours playin in de damn box de toy come in. IN DE BOX!!!

Besides,  children doh need us to find ways to hurt themselves. Jus Sayin!

Madame Joy –  For That Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down In Your Heart!