Dear Madame Joy

I’m not sure if I might be making too much of an issue I’m having with colleagues so I thought I might reach out for a good ole sanity check. So I work in a group of about 6 or 7 people of different ages, and backgrounds. For the most part we all sort of get along, up until very recently. That is because we recently replaced one of our older staff members with a new younger guy from Botswana. For privacy’s sake we’ll call him Lavar. You see Lavar is the first younger really attractive guy our company has hired in the 5 years I’ve been here. Not too many fellows get hired in beauty salons these days, so Lavar is a pleasant breath of fresh air. Needless to say the other ladies I work with who are my age (45+) seem to be swooning over young Lavar especially on what we jokingly refer to as Tight Jeans Tuesdays. He rocks those in ways you can’t image… Unless of course you image a massive package outlined in beautiful denim just staring you down like an angry bull facing down a matador.

Anyways seeing as me and the other ladies all have an interest in getting to know our young Lavar, he seems rather preoccupied with his work. Hair is a passion of his… I’m in direct competition with two of my female colleagues specifically in trying to get his attention. One is from Jamaica and the other is from Tobago. They seem to gang up on me all the time when he is around, making fun of my background and island traditions. I’m from Curacao.

I find these two women way too expressive with Lavar and set expectations I simply can’t compete with. They are way too forward and contradict my own view on family values. Values and Curacao go hand in hand. I mean I hear Sharonda say stuff like, “I’d like to jerk his chicken” and “If I catching you looking at my man I’ll cut your nose off with toenail clippers”. I mean what am I supposed to do with this?

I’m afraid to insult them back out of fear, and I’m too embarrassed to try and talk to Lavar given all the put downs these two girls throw at me. Just on Monday I was complaining about sweeping up the floors because Sharonda was lazy, and Sharonda was all like, ” If I wanted shit from you, I’d squish your head!”

I don’t want Lavar thinking I’m weak and stupid. Should I just mash Sharonda and Mary’s heads into the floor and burn them with a hot curling iron? Maybe that would let me show him I’m strong and mean business.

Thoughts?

Values from Curacao

Dear Values from Curacao,

Thank You!

First of all let  me just say. You are very wordy.  I only have some may words for my column and well… let’s just say you went over it. Secondly:  Because someone is expressive, does not mean they have no values. I’d be very careful, say that out loud and someone will definitely put a hurting on ya!

Now on to the issue.

Absolutely not, Absolutely never, you do not stoop to the level of these women.  Men do not like public ruffians, unless they are sexy as ass and hooked up with the neighborhood gangsta. Now in private, that’s a different story altogether!!!

If Lavar is the kind of man that wants these kinds of women, then you don’t want him. Has he stepped in to befriend you or tried to get you out of the line of fire? If not he’s not the man for you. In fact he’s not a man. Tight pants!!! Really!!! Beware because the bulge you see could be courtesy of some pretty soft socks, just saying! Always remember, men are vultures but women are the ones that do the killing. Watch them!

Here’s what you do. Get some apples, peel said apples. Cut out some eyes and a mouth on said apples. You then bake on a low temperature for a couple of hours. It comes out looking like a shrunken head.  You need to name these apples and just place them at their workstation so these lovely ladies will find them.  For good measure, give that damn ass Lavar one to. Unless he’s gay or married, ain’t no man going to work in a place with women and be that “preoccupied with his work”, that he is not gonna try something with someone. He’s just checking to see who he has the best chance with. Now your apple, will be a nice healthy looking apple. Just pick up the three shrunken heads, read the names, get the big ass knife you just happen to have at your side. Slice each apple in half and take a big ole bite of each one and walk back to your workstation and put the rest in a brown paper bag and tie it up. They are a superstitious bunch, just give them the look. Don’t say a word, don’t admit to anything, the look will say it all.

Now while we at Joyspiration do not condone violence. There is something to be said for self-defence. If they touch you. Lord have mercy, that’s when you call on the ancestors or every culture you ever read about and buss they ass. For that matter, you need to buss Lavar’s ass at the same time. By the way, since they do create sound waves and those waves touch you, words are verbal tochery. If Sharonda or Mary tell you anything, anything at all, buss they ass.

As mentioned we, do not condone violence so we cannot support your branding anyone with a curling iron. That is just wrong.

Follow these simple steps and you too will attain happiness and clarity.

p.s: You need tuh buss his ass twice fuh comparing you those hooligans! The nerve! Since the odds are you’ll be looking for a new job, take this opportunity to reach out and touch. Let’s see it the Tight Jeans Tuesday were all you thought it represented. Find out what’s really in there.

Thank you for selecting us as your emotional crisis advisor. We are here for you!

Madame Joy

Joyspirations© Daily Advise:

An apple a day keeps the doctor a way. But a shrunken head put in the right place will get the superstitious bullies off your ass!