Ahhhhh yes, it’s almost mother’s day.
It brings back such fond memories of my first experience at motherhood. I almost makes me want to do it again. Ha! That’s funny! somebody musta put something in my coffee this morning.
Ok if yuh pregnant, doh read this and for Gods sakes doh watch “A Baby Story” or any show like that because it will scare the crap out of you.
Every delivery you seen on TV shows and movies goes like this. Woman in labor, woman curses man, the baby comes and it’s this cute little chubby cooey little creature covered with somekindajammylooking thing then the mother goes oooohhhh!!!! My sweet little angel come to mommy or something like that.
Imagine my surprise when at 23, I gave birth to my first child. Don’t listen to them. It was nothing like that. It’s all a lie… The want to lull you into a false sense of security… I thought I was going to die, I didn’t think there was pain like this in this world. Lord at one point, I thought I was growing another rectum. Talk about scream, I doh know how I still have a voice. I know Tulip wish I didn’t have one but dat is another story.
Now when that creature come out, I do mean creature because she looked nothing like any ah dem babies you see on TV. De chile was quail up, quail up (wrinkled for the English speaking folks). and de color, lord help me how dis could be a black child. If she didn’t just come out of me, I woulda swear she was switch at birth. She look like something that was soaking in a liquid of 9 months. Ha! I kill myself! I didn’t have that immediate urge to see this miracle because I was jus vex because of what dis child jus put me through and on top of that dat blasted child have the nerve to be crying like if I do she something. Imagine SHE crying, what about me?
As soon as she was born, all and I mean all the pain was gone. It was almost like it never happened my anger and shock subsided almost as quickly.I looked at my baby girl and I was happy and I was glad she was finally here. But she take awhile to finally finishing baking eh, cause lord that color was just not right.
Well I learn pretty fast after that “ME” no longer existed. That was the day I ceased to exist. From that say in July my mother forget she had me and it became, “How my granddaughter”, “what she doing”, “ oh gosh look at she”, “she chubby eh”, chunkalunks”. Doh worry I wasn’t jealous. Yes, I damn well was, this child thief my mother. I was OK with the fact that my mother cast me away for a creature that almost kill me but is all right. I good! I did survive.
Mothers cease to be individuals once we bring the awesome cuteness into the world. Why do we do it? Well I believe the cellular gangstas do a mind meld while in the womb and force us to do it. Then they become real gangstas from birth, they cause sleep deprivations and we other issues but we so chuppid that they could do no wrong as babies. Then that terrible toddler stage start, oh lord. That is when the first idea that you need to send them back pops into your mind. But we push it aside and move on.
But yet you still gotta love them. And sometimes, just sometimes, when yuh have this vision of you jumping over a railing and just beating the crap outta them, when they get on yuh last friggin nerve. Yuh have tuh remind dem that yuh still young enough tuh make another one to replace them. Jus Sayin!
Then as those creatures continue to talk and grow. It culminates in the teenage years when we find it harder to understand what the hell we were thinking when we decided to start this journey. As young adults, we hope that we have thought them well and send them out in the world to seek their fortune. Yeah! We did a good job. Now you can start to exist again.
Well no, not really. It would be a nice ending to that tale, except for the reality that they always come back. Dey like that damn cat! They either never leave or leave and come back to seek their fortune out a yours!
Happy Mother’s Day!
M-O-T-H-E-R
“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “MOTHER,”
A word that means the world to me.
One response to “Friday Funnies – Mommy Dearest!”
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