Dear Madame Joy,

I have a problem with a certain colleague who constantly complains about a daily advice column that seems to detail her every waking move. Now to be fair there are some noticeable coincidences, between the column and this person’s personal life, but really? Is everything all about you? I mean c’mon get over yourself already. So you hate it when someone doesn’t slice your sandwich diagonally, and you hate other peoples’ kids (despite the litter of your own) and you have a thing for small effeminate Asian males in tight jeans. I mean that could be anybody…

So how can I tell this person to get over themselves without them getting overly sensitive? Note this person has a tendency to whine, so I’m trying to minimize potential fallout but I cannot let this continue.

Many thanks

Concerned Kevin James Look-a-like

Dear Concerned Kevin James Look-a-like,
Thank You!

In my many years on planet Earth I have come to realize that some people are just whineyItsAllAboutMeWhyIsTheWorldOutToGetMePeople! It’s just their thing.
That being said, it has been established that on this great planet, there are approximately 7 people in the world that look just like you and a damn lot more that think like you. So it is obnoxious as hell for this individual to think that everything is about her, because guess what? There are at least 6 other people it could be about. Not to mention the others that don’t look like you but think like you.

Mr. Kevin James wanna be, here what you need to do.
You know that Carley Simon song “You’re so vain” , record it and just keep playing it in the back ground. Not very loud but just enough so she can hear it, you could use it like Chinese water torture (for her betterment of course).

You need to let her know that it’s OK. It’s OK to be who she is. There is help out there for her. All she has to do is follow the illustrious Madame and her world will become like that lovely candy city in Wreck it Ralph. I mean the fact that it was almost destroyed , is irrelevant.
Let her know that somebody cares enough about her to air all her personal faults to potentially millions of people. All in the hopes that she will wake up and smell the damn coffee and fix her blasted self.

Let her know that she could just as easily have been kidnapped and have the living crap kicked out of her but here at Joyspiration we are non violent and  prefer to encourage the use of words.
Remember, always be kind and supportive to those in need. I know deep in your heart you really want to minimize the fallout but her own paranoia shall be her downfall! (Remember the power of the word “But”). I mean effeminate men in tight jeans, what she gon’ do with that?
You need to gently encourage her to “GET OVER HER DAMN SELF!”
Let her know that when the great Bod Marley asked the question “Could you be loved”, the answer is “Yes, Yes, Fl…., you too can be loved”. Oh my goodness I think, I’m gonna cry,  this is just too deep.

Follow these simple steps and you too will attain happiness and clarity.

p.s. Hey, ah Mr James… lay of the sandwich thing. We already established the molecular necessity of cutting a sandwich diagonally.  Just saying!

Thank you for selecting us as your emotional crisis advisor. We are here for you!

Madame  Joy